My life is a Never Ending Project. This started as a slap-dash craft blog. Sorely neglected for the last 5+ years. I feel as though I haven’t done much since then, creatively that is.
More in bits and pieces, bursts and sparks. My creativity had been dampened down by the negative energy that was overshadowing my long-term-relationship. On January 18th we ended just over 8-years together, and I have moved out.
Here is something I wrote quickly the other night about it:
The summer of 2017 I FaceTimed with a good friend. We don’t see each other much but we keep in touch. We’re there for each other. They had been through a similar situation, they understood. They knew I was struggling and did a tarot reading for me. I don’t remember the exact details, I frantically tried to scribble down what they were saying as we went, but I was shaking, and couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I’m sure I have the notes somewhere.
I knew my relationship wasn’t serving me the way I needed. We had known each other a long time, there was a lot of history, we loved each other.
But we both knew something was missing.
I was desperately questioning everything, and reaching out to my support network. I’ve been fortunate to have a steady handful who listen without judgement, and give me honest feedback. I try not to the take them for granted.
I almost left that fall. I had kept my doubts quiet, though it was clear my mood showed. He was blindsided by my seemingly abrupt announcement that I had been looking at apartments. I’ve always been a planner, the Capricorn in me, I can get ahead of myself.
So I stayed.
Maybe we could talk things through, we always struggled with communication.
But some of the unconditional trust was gone. That was my fault.
Learned dynamics are hard to break. Some things shifted, it was ok, manageable, the pattern held. We made it through the holidays.
I got even closer to making a decision last summer (June 2018) even found an amazing apartment w some great potential roommates. I miss them…I miss the friendship we never got to have, the life I could be living now. I regret not making that move.
[We’ve known each other since 2006, dated briefly in 2008, got back together in 2010, supposedly in it to win it. We’ve known each other for 13 years.
As much as I loved him, loved parts of what we had a great deal…I thought about the chance of freedom every day, for at least the last 3 years…if not the last 4-5.
How I wouldn’t feel guilty about certain things I wanted in my life if only I was single, how I would feel inspired if only I was free, how I would have so much more time and energy. My energy was drained. I just didn’t want to try anymore.]
But again, I stayed.
In July 2018 I went to my first Burn, Firefly in VT. While I was there I briefly helped a person who was just arriving get their wagon up a hill. At first impression they didn’t seem like my kind of person, very nice but a little further out there than I tend to be.
In October I went to NECTR in CT and we crossed paths again. Over the course of a few days I learned just what a sweet soul they were, they had such a calming energy. At 3am one night around a burning barrel I had my tarot read for the 2nd time by this near-stranger/disco sugar angel.
It was clear what my cards were saying. The same thing I had heard before. I was becoming aware how anyone who met me could tell I was not happy. I’ve never been a subtle person, I can’t even lie to strangers about shit that doesn’t even concern them.
But this time it also mentioned a struggle, that I needed to be careful I didn’t go too far into the dark.
Everyone’s darkness is different. I know mine is not that deep and dark. My struggle is measured in volume, my scattering of belongings. Attachments. My struggle is the drive to be independent, and feeling claustrophobic and trapped when I feel pressured by others.
My struggle is that I lost my sense of self. I lost my motivation, to be me.
I learned that I am too much for some people, and in turn I became not enough, for myself.